This isn’t who I am, promise

This weekend was filled with highs and lows.

Saturday I sent out this tweet:

 

That feeling is hard to describe to someone who hasn’t struggled with their weight, or with their fitness goals. It’s so darn hard to gain momentum and when it happens-wow, just wow. It’s a euphoric feeling when all of those little decisions start falling into place and filling in the big picture. It’s like in the cartoons when a light bulb goes off over the characters head, suddenly you realize “I can do this! Wait, I AM doing this!”

I want to bottle that feeling up and dip my apples in it for breakfast, it’s that good.

On the same day, I had a low point. I worked a great event, one where I was surrounded by runners, one where usually I would feel in my element and at my best. But, for an out of character moment I felt out of place, like I didn’t belong. I was interacting with people who had seen me at my fittest, or people who I haven’t ever met and I imagined were thinking “Really?SHE is a runner?!”

I wanted to shout “THIS ISN’T WHO I AM” and “I promise, I’m working hard and I’m on track” and always- “There is so much more to me than this body”. That last one is one I want to tell others, but mainly it’s something I need to tell myself often.  I feel trapped in my body even though the pounds are coming off. Short of avoiding work and social situations all together, there isn’t anything I can do about it. It took time for me to gain weight, and it will take time to take it off.

In my heart I am a fit, happy and confident woman. And soon, soon my body will reflect the same thing.

Say it. Do it.

 

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Comments

  1. If there is anything working at a running store has taught me, it’s that “real runners” come in all shapes and sizes. Odds are, while you were thinking that you were out of place and being judged, someone there was wishing they were you.
    Keep up the hard work!

  2. I understand this so well. Body images are the hardest to overcome. For me, I had to realize that no one thought about me in those ways at all. I needed to stop projecting my own insecurities onto others, and realize they were just as insecure as I am and that they are probably thinking the same things.
    You are beautiful, you are inspiring, you are STRONG. Don’t forget it.

  3. You are fabulous, inside and out. I think no matter shape, size, and ability, one may always look around and question how they compare.
    Many women look up to you and see you as an inspiration and someone they can relate to 🙂

  4. I got fitted for running shoes for the first time on Saturday and was nervous when I walked in they’d think the same thing. They were soooo nice though and made me feel very comfortable. I keep telling myself it never comes off as fast as it goes on to keep myself motivated incase the scale isn’t saying what I want it to tomorrow. We did it once, we can do it again!

  5. Absolutely you are who you say you are. Believe it and it will be. But you are right, it takes time (this is what I am telling myself right now, too). With every positive choice we gain momentum to live out who we know we are. Great weekend…really enjoyed spending time together!

  6. I feel like this every single time I am around other runners and then I tell my brain to STFU and get on with enjoying myself already. I certainly don’t have the typical runner body but I have earned my *runner* status and I own it- it’s all mine : ),

  7. I feel the “SHE is a runner?!” a lot when I’m out running on the trail, especially with my muffin top flopping around with each step. But you know what? I’m out there! And you’re out there! You could be sitting on your couch, but instead you’re being a positive role model for your family. We are our own worst enemies. Get it, girl!

  8. I loved the positive note of this post – and I totally get that feeling when you can’t find the motivation and then all of a sudden it’s there and you can’t wait to get your sweat on!

    Just remember, no one is thinking a single negative thing about you. People love people that put in effort. If your sweating your ass off, then you’re in good company. No one cares that your body may not look like a size 2 athletic model. Keep it up girly, you’ll continue to see the results!

  9. This is soooo where I’m at right now. I had my third child in July, and even though I ran almost all the way through my pregnancy, life has been making it very difficult to get back out there. Then there’s this guy I talk to a lot when we’re waiting to pick our kids up from school. He’s a runner. But he’s a Boston Qualifier who says things like “My coach wanted me to take it easy, so I cam in around 3:20.” Ugh, he’s so douchey about it and even though I’ve run 4 marathons and 4 half marathons, speaking to him makes me feel like a couch potato.

  10. This is so what I needed to hear this morning! While I am 100% confident that you WILL feel like yourself again, thank you for putting your struggles out there. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you are helping all of us feel “normal”!

  11. I hear you. For all that I accomplished last year, the last 7 weeks of offseason has driven me crazy – I put a little bit of weight on and now I feel like “how did this body do that and how is it going to do it again this year”. However, my BRAIN is ready. Let’s do this. Training day #1 and time to take all this stuff seriously again!

  12. I get that. Have you ever woken up to discover that your life was totally not what you expected? Or that you had become someone you never intended to be? It never fails to shock me. Then when you realize how badly you want to change something, and the depth of the real problem, others can be resistant to that change. It absolutely makes me feel horrible.

  13. Oh, I feel the same way so many many days…

  14. Oh, I hear you. Hang in there! You’re doing great!

  15. Leigh Ann says:

    One thing I’ve learned in my short time with Zooma is that there are runners of many different shapes and sizes. What’s more important is that we are out there doing it. But still I understand. I lost some weight in the early fall, not a ton, but enough to get me really jazzed and feel really good, and then the holidays happened. Now I feel back at square 1, but I know I can do it because I’ve done it before–and so can you. I get very intimidated around other runners, but I feel so good being around the Zooma crowd. So thanks for that. 🙂

  16. I totally get this. Totally. The momentum thing. And feeling like people are thinking things. I am so overweight but there was a time (that i’m trying to get back to) where i was working out 5x a week, getting stronger & stronger, and i always thought people were thinking “dang she eats too many cheeseburgers” – when i WASN’T! You just can’t tell by a person’s appearance.

    Love this.

  17. I feel ya! I was talking to my friend Logan the other day and I admitted that I feel totally awkward when I go running now. I also feel weird wearing all my old running stuff: watches, shirts, etc. I would practically DIE if I went to the gym right now. I definitely understand the feeling of THIS ISN’T ME! I’m fitter, faster, etc. But I’m trying to remember that this is ME right NOW. And that’s okay! But it’s hard. I also feel like a big d-bag when I dress up to go out. I feel like people will “understand” why I look different if I’m holding the baby, but without him I look frumpy. haha I’m a huge mess.

  18. Tricia, you are so inspiring and real in your writing. I think this is the first time I have ever commented on a strangers blog. ever. But I just had to tell you I am a girl just like you and feel less alone in these thoughts every time I visit. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!
    Emily

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