I want to be a selfish bitch.
But I bite my tongue.
I want to kick and scream and raise a fuss.
But I don’t, I stay quiet.
I want to charge in, guns blazing and kick some cancer ass.
But I can’t, I’m not strong enough.
My Granny Rose is dying, I can no longer deny it. She is dying.
I want to shake the doctor and tell her to DO SOMETHING!
But instead I tearfully nod in understanding as she tells my Granny “I can’t fix you.”
I wanted to beg the hospital to keep her, to give her something to fight the cancer that is eating away at her.
But instead we agree to her wishes to go home.
I want to put my hands over my ears to block out the sound of the hospice nurses voice reminding us not to pound on her chest or try to force air into Granny’s lungs if we see her start to slip away.
But instead I tuck the reminder away, knowing we will face that.
I want to plead with Granny Rose to not give up, to keep fighting.
But instead I hold her hand and tell her to not be afraid.
I want to do SOMETHING, anything to keep her with us longer.
But I realize those somethings would be selfish, they’d be for me. The best “something” I can give her now is love and comfort as she lets go.
But oh, I don’t want to let go.
Dash,my mother, Granny Rose, my Paw Paw April 2012
continuing to keep you in my prayers.
I love you girl…and I have you and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers…be as strong as you can be and know that I am here if you need anything.
Oh, Tricia…I’m so sorry your Granny Rose and your family are going through this. You’re doing the right thing in supporting her wishes, and I know you’re savoring every moment you have left. Hugs to you, friend.
I’m so sorry at your feelings of helplessness. I wish that there were more that I could do. My prayers are with you and your family.
Tricia I know I keep saying it but I’m sending you big hugs! Letting go is the hardest part…hold fast to the memories you have! Praying for you my friend!
I’m so sorry Tricia! It is such a horrible position to be in, but you are doing the right thing as hard as it may be. I will be praying.
It is so, so hard and I know nothing anyone says can make it much easier. But…what a great thing that you have so much love for your grandmother. I know she can feel it and now is when she needs it most.
I’m so sorry Tricia I’m whith you and your family. I pray for your Granny.
I know all too well what you are saying. When I got the “she won’t be here more than 48 hours” call I sat by my Grandma’s side telling her we would be ok. We all knew we wouldn’t but she wasn’t going to close her eyes until we all told her she could go. It’s so damn hard. Hugs to you girl!
Terrible news. I’m so sorry, Tricia. Sending prayers your way.
So sorry for what you and your family are going through. It’s true CANCER SUCKS! Continuing to pray for strength, courage, peace and healing. Hugs!
My heart is with you
My heart goes out to you. Allow yourself to weep and feel during this – it’s not easy. *hug*
Thank you for sharing – wish we (your readers and fans) could ease the pain. We’re with you in spirit, whispering peace and strength and love to you and your family. Xoxo
Thinking of you and your granny. Very sorry.
Many prayers for you and your entire family
I totally feel you and still want to kick, scream, yell and want my dad back. And yes, I am being selfish. Cancer sucks. And in his short fight I got to see how devastating it was to him. How weak it made him. How unhappy. How sick. How the “treatments” made him suffer more. It is so hard to let go of our loved ones but your Granny will always be there for you and just cherish this time you have with her. I know you know all that and we are all here for you….and you know what, it is okay to scream. You deserve it.
I know there are no words that can take your pain or keep your grandma alive and healthy. Our family has lost 4 people in my daughters five years. The last one being two weeks ago. As I sat crying my daughter just looked at me and said “you don’t need to miss her. She is all over. She is sitting right there watching you. She is in the flowers. She is everywhere.”
I am so sorry. I am praying for you.
I’ve been through this and I know how much it hurts. It sucks. You feel powerless. But know in your heart that people out here are thinking of you and praying for you and your family. ((hugs))
I’m so sorry you’re going through this…I will be praying for your granny and you and your family.
Keeping you, your family and your granny Rose in my prayers.
(((hugs)))